To My Love

Today I sat on my bed cross legged, writing papers for school with a mind focused intently on the work before me.

I was tired, I was frustrated with the work I was putting out and I thought,

“what is this even for?”

You came into my mind, and the tears began to fall.  You don’t know me yet, and I don’t know you. I don’t know the color of your skin, the way you like your sandwiches cut, or how you dance to your favorite song. I’ve never heard your name before, I’ve never seen your face, but know something, sweet love of mine—I love you more than this young heart ever thought she could love. Sweetheart of mine, my heart not only loves, but it aches for you. Today I cried because my mind whispered, “somewhere in the world today, they could be living a life on their own, that’s who you’re doing this for,” and I thought of all the times you’ll cry, my love, and all the times I won’t be there to comfort you.

Today, I cried

because I thought of all the times you’ll sleep alone, facing nightmares alone, the kind you should never have to face.

It may seem strange to call you my own when I have never held your tiny hands or kissed your baby face. I get strange looks from people when I share that I’m crying for my children that I don’t know when I’ll meet.

Yes, when, it’s not a question of if.

You may be born this year, or maybe you already have been. Maybe it will be years before your face greets the sun. I long to hold you in my arms and sing you the songs my mother sang me. I wish I could help you dress and make you breakfast, and read you stories that will make your world grow. I wish I could call you my baby, and hear you call me
mama.

I’d stay awake every night if it helped you feel safe and warm and loved. I know that I can not be there for you know, and how that breaks my heart. But know this, my sweetest love-- I’m already praying for you. If I can’t hold you now and carry a bit of your fear, I know Someone who can.

This is my prayer for you: oh child, that you would be brave. Darling, this world is mean and my heart breaks knowing that you may know more of its cruelty than I have ever seen. You may know of its struggles and the way it makes you tremble, but be brave, for though the world will try to tear you down,

Jesus will never let you fall.

Sweetheart, I pray that you’re soft, that your heart doesn’t fail you by turning to stone. I know it’s hard to be gentle in this world that threatens to eat you alive, I pray that you’ll be strong enough to thrive.

I pray you learn to love who you are, no matter what anyone tells you. I hope you see your reflection and think how great it is to be alive.

I am so thankful that you’re alive, I’m so thankful that you breathe and your great, brave, gentle heart beats loud enough to shake the earth.

I think sometimes when I close my eyes, I can hear it loud and clear.

The greatest thing that I can hope for, the greatest thing my heart yearns for--above holding you, above calling you my own--I pray that you would know a love so great, it only comes from above. My prayer for you is that you would never find Jesus confusing. I pray that you’d love him even more than I do. Though my love for you is great and I can hardly fathom it, His love runs so deep and so wide. It fills every piece of who you are, it overflows from your life to others. That is the love I hope you find when you’re seeking a place of your own.

I’m not just waiting idly for you, I’m hoping to find you before you ever have to look for me. I’m preparing my heart and my home, I swear I’ll never give up hope. I know someday you’ll come to me and I promise to never let you go. For as much as you are waiting for someone you can call your own,

I am searching for a sign of you.

I know one day I’ll hold your hand in mine, I’ll read you stories and keep you safe. I’ll teach you to love Jesus, yourself, and others. And though I wish I could tell you now just how much I love you, I know one day I’ll be running to you and I’ll catch you in my arms, and that will be enough for me.