I've gotten into the habit of making a few resolutions at the beginning of each month subconsciously.
"Eat better"When your first cool winds played gently at my windows I made the resolution to try to focus on feeling joy. This past year has been rough for me for no particular reason, it's not something tangible that I can point to and say with confidence "Yes, that thing right there is what is causing me to be sad, lethargic, and uninterested in life." It's not that I have wanted to feel apathetic (how many more adjectives can I use, hmm?) It's not that when someone points out a beautiful sunset I don't want to appreciate it and simply nod quietly and go back to my room. At the same time of me wanting to sleep all day I'm also thinking about how excited I am about the future. This isn't unusual, people tell me. Apparently it's just a phase and I need to pull it together, but how do you pull the fabric of your mind together when it's frayed and you're denying that it's not perfect? This month, dear October, was a start though. This month when asked how I was doing, I didn't have to cover up how I felt by saying "Oh, fine. I guess. Tired." My heart felt happy and my mind refreshed. I could say that I felt/feel good. That I actually felt happy and I wanted to take a break from the important things (like school) that help define my future and go outside. I picked up my notebook and camera often but it felt natural. Like it used to feel when I didn't have the weight of that scary word called adulthood grinning at me, just eight very short months away. Good things are starting to outweigh the bad, or maybe I'm just noticing it again.
"Take your pills"
"Make better art"
I think that's the way it is with so called epiphanies, they're usually something that everyone is aware of, but forget or ignore and disregard as something that is important. You have them ever so often and think "This is where I went wrong. Now I will change it." But you can't and so you feel like a failure and go back to your hole until the next one. I feel as if I've been reminded every day this year that I can not do it because only He can.
So, where does that leave me, October? It leaves me feeling...well, joyous and definitely excited for whatever comes next.
Stay cool, I'll see you again next year.
ps. Viva la nanowrimo! This month is going to be insane so I don't know how many posts I'll squeeze in. I'm pushing my schedule as it is. Good luck all you other nanoers, I hope you have a lot of fun and achieve your goals. <3