Secret



Heaving dreams of solitude
shattering brittle bones
thoughts that quicken a
throbbing heart in the sullen
grinning night of secrets.
Hold a few they're small like
dust they build mountains from
blocking frozen landscapes
let them rule the light
while I cower in the night.
 
Dreams come like lighting
shattering cardboard skies
hurling down corridors canceling
reality like daytime television
I could not shut my eyes.
Truth: I dreamed of finality
the last piece in the end
it was not a hooded figure
it carried not a sharpened scythe
no title, no face, but veiled shame.
Wars no one saw shouted aloud
no hero, no victor, a dream of a
victim becoming a villain cutting teeth
on smoke tainted milk in the shadows
of fallen monsters and heroes.
 
A dream became a nightmare with
different players in new places
every night casting light into corners
I never wanted to see a game with a
villainous victim ending at last.
 
Surging from buildings to kiss the ground
and slitted wrists that hurt no more
there are many ways to die I found
each night I replayed them quietly
in my head like watching reflections.
 
Guessing now, I wonder what was it
that I was missing, what did my head
have to say to my heart in the night
that it couldn't say to me in the day
my head was filled with rotten lies.
 
This night I dreamed of nothing
or perhaps a blushing kiss replayed
that I have yet to give for now I know
no secrets bind me I'm free to love the
the stars and moon as well as the sun.
 
Since once I dreamed of hot lips
pressed to my cold dry face breathing
in regrets in sorrows in salty ashes
now I dream of fire touched bodies
living, breathing, whole.
Sometimes when I write, words come out that I wanted to keep inside, in the dark with a little candle on a table to keep them company. I kid myself sometimes, I tell myself that the past was not as hard on me as I think it was. But still...my dreams haunted me and I laughed at their dark faces in the morning and said that it was fantasy and fine. I pushed it to the very back of my mind and eventually the night faded, replaced with happier thoughts. There's a story behind almost every word of this, but I'll leave you to think about it if you want. One thing I'll say: don't hide your heart from the people who care and don't be ashamed of things. Face them, cry over them, bury them in silk because it's something that's making you.

xoxo Johanna
ps. Sorry for the lack of posting lately, I had all sorts of things lined up and then I got busy with a few math and history tests last week and then my internet went out.